Upside-Down & Inside-Out: A Blog About Abusive Relationships

Living with an abusive person means learning to live in a topsy-turvy world where normal rules do not apply. It is like the movie the Poseidon Adventure where the ship gets turned upside down and the floor is the ceiling and the ceiling the floor. Yet, somehow I did break out of the invisible cage my first wife had built around me even though it was the hardest thing I've ever done. So this blog is about how we learn to live with abuse and then unlearn; it's based on my personal experience.

Friday, April 06, 2007


This Is Part Of The Website

Notes About The Art Of Lying (A Follow-Up To The Previous Blog Entry)
Abusers/Liars: Their Method Of Communication
Abusers/Liars: Their Lifestyle
Abusers/Liars: Their Disrespect For Those Around Them

Here is how a typical dialogue might go between the abused person (say the husband) and the abuser/liar (say the wife):
HUSBAND: Why should I trust you?
WIFE: How can you ask that? If you loved me, you would not say such a thing. I can't believe you've become so horrible.

Notice how she answers a question with question, immediately puts the husband on the defensive, makes him defend his love for her and the implied lack of loyalty, and finally finishes him off by telling him that he is 'horrible' as though this insult was due to his actions. *AND* notice, most of all, how she never answers the question and turns it around so that he will be thrown off balance. In a conversation like this, it is unlikely that the question of 'trust', which is crucial to a marriage, will ever get discussed; in particular, the reasons, that the husband does not trust the wife, will never be examined. And, of course, this conversation will get nowhere, so that there will be no communication or increased understanding. In fact the point of the wife's reply is to stop communication and keep things just as they are, with her in control and nothing resolved or revealed.

I believe that liars think they are superior to others. They have an elitist attitude like many abusive and self-centered people. Their point-of-view might be like this: I am not constrained by the mundane 'real world'; people who do are overly practical and boring. I live on a higher plane where others believe what I create. If they chose to believe it, that demonstrates the truth of the picture I have painted.

Respect or a lack of respect is also important. While liars work hard at convincing spouses, friends, etc. of their lies, they do not respect those whom they fool. Their sense of superiority grows at the expense of those they trick. They can even become patronizing to people close to them, treating them like children or simpletons.

Liars use other verbal tactics as well (see the previous blog entry) such as going off on tangents or changing the subject or pressing a person's buttons to make sure that liars keep control of the conversation. These are diversionary tactics and work well to get away from a touchy subject they do not want to discuss.

My first wife and I communicated very well when it came to art, such as movies, plays, music and painting. This was one area that we continued to share throughout our marriage. The reason, I think, is that these were usually works of fiction or invention. These, therefore, were safe areas that we could explore without the danger of getting into personal areas that she was afraid of.

Even though liars think they are superior, they can never relax. Because they lie, they know that others lie as well. Therefore they are constantly vigilant, looking for lies that others are telling. In addition, they must always be on guard and defend their own lies. It is a strange existence where the control they think they gained through lies, becomes their prison.


Blogger Bicum said...

Well done and so true. I have been in an abusive relationship for the past 2 and a half, close to three years. Our relationship began after his first prision term (GTA) and last year he was away for violating parol, he got out 9-31-06 he is back today 6/5/07 another (GTA). He is only 27

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